SAF, Dave and Those Other Guys

I know it has been ages since I posted anything and blah blah blah blah..... With that out of the way, I want to talk about something we have all seen happening. That is, for the those who would consider themselves MANCHESTER UNITED SUPPORTERS (staunch). I have so much to rant and rave about (pun very much intended) but before I get to that, there is something I have to do.

May 8th, 2013 saw the end of an era. Sir Alexander Chapman Ferguson, CBE retired as Man United manager after more than 26+ years in charge. We all knew this day would come but that doesn't mean it did not hit hard. Personally I was in denial for a little over 6 months till reality finally started to sink in. It is still unbelievable. Whenever I'm watching our games, I half expect to see him walking out of the tunnel or running across the touchline when a decision goes against us. He has been a most faithful servant not only to United but to football in general. Aside from being arguably the best manager in modern football, he has been one of the greatest ambassadors of the sport. So this is my tribute to him. It may not be fitting of his achievements but I shall forever be indebted to him for making me love football and most importantly, making me believe. As he touchingly said at his farewell, "You have been the most fantastic experience of my life. Thank you."

Exit Fergie and in comes David William Moyes. Now Moyes did very well with Everton. They might not have been swimming in trophies but they had respectable runs. Plus Goodison Park was always a tough place to visit for most Premier League teams. To be very honest though, Dave inherited a somewhat mediocre squad from Fergie. Actually before I proceed I would like to touch on something I have seen doing rounds on social media.

I have seen some people say that it is Sir Alex's fault we are having such a terrible season. How? He left the team in a bad place, choosing personal glory over the future of the team. I don't see it this way. Ferguson may have left the team in not so good a place but his reasons were far from selfish. Aside from health issues, it was for his family. For Cathy. I cannot begin to imagine how patient she was with him over the years to enable him to achieve what he did for you ungrateful bunch of twats fans. She and the rest of his family deserve their time with this great man. We had him for more than a quarter of a century. It was time to let go.

Anyway, I digress. As I was saying, this squad does not exactly have the quality past United sides have been know for. And it is maybe for this reason that I do not fault Dave.... Entirely. I'm not saying Moyes is blame free but in my opinion, his part in our dismal season is not even half of the problem. He has looked overwhelmed at times or even clueless, so to speak, but I can say he is genuinely trying. He could try harder but I think he is somewhat on the right path. Taking over a team like United from a manager like Ferguson was never going to be easy. Not even for the likes of Pep or Mou. This said, he should still be able to motivate his players and instil in them the fighting spirit that SAF so diligently cultivated in his crop of players. My problem with what is fast becoming our most horrible season in modern day football is with the Glazers and the players.

When Moyes came in, these colossal fuck ups guys that are our owners should have done the most sensible thing. Open up the damn kitty and let him build a team of his own. Picking up left overs is not the best way to start a legacy of your own. What did they do instead? Gave him pocket change then expect him to win (the World Cup probably). Utter nonsense. They are such misers, using the available money to pay their debts instead of strengthening our squad. They need to release money to enable world class signings (which might yet prove a daunting task given our recent run of poor results). The Glazers need to treat their investment in United more as a sport than a business.

Moving on to the players, I don't think I have seen a more disoriented bunch of body masses people in a United shirt. There is an almost complete lack of passion and hunger to win, two things that have ALWAYS characterised United sides. The way they go about their business on the pitch is a little more than just pedestrian. The lack of ambition and desire to be on top (without putting in the work) is appalling, at best. It is something not witnessed in United sides before. Part of it may be losing what most of them had come to consider a father figure and his replacement with a new face. Even so, they need to get their shit together pick themselves up and do what is required. We would all like to mourn and sulk but life has to go on, ay? The have absolutely no clue what it means to wear the United shirt, more so at the Theatre of Dreams. Sir Alex said, "You know how good you are, you know the jersey you're wearing. You know what it means to everyone here." They need to put things into perspective and show the resilience, dedication and love the likes of Keane, Scholes, Becks, Cantona and Vidic have displayed over the years.

I can go on and on but I think I'll leave it at that. To cut a long story short, most of my pent up hostility is towards (in particular order) the players, those American chaps then Moyes. All three can do so much better. So so so much better. All said and done, I still love my club. And for some reason, I still BELIEVE. I know most of us are becoming infuriated by the sudden turn of events but that should not distract us from the issue at hand. We need to support our team. Commend, criticise, whatever floats your boat, but BE THERE. I shall leave you guys, with some of SAF's final words of immense wisdom: "I'd also like to remind you that we've had bad times here. The club stood by me. All my staff stood by me. The players stood by me. So your job now is to stand by our new manager. That is important."

GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED.

The Comeback..... And Cars!!!!

I have a really funny story guys...... Well, now that I have your attention, we may proceed with this mediocre blog. And for those who believed me about the funny story, it seems you've never read my blog, lol. So now. I know it's been almost a year, if not more, since I last did this. Therefore, if I'm a bit rusty, please understand (if not you might as well just stop reading now because this will be BAD). The real reason I decided to do a post is because I discovered that there are a few deluded souls out there who actually follow this sad excuse of a blog so in order to quench their misplaced thirst, here goes :)

I think I have mentioned before that I'm a huge fan of cars, yea? I'm sure I have and if you don't remember it's probably because you don't pay much attention :p Anyway, I love car shows, Top Gear being the top dog. Which reminds me, whatever those Top Gear USA people are trying, just stop it. No, that pretty boy, Mr Ego and the big baboon can in no way compare to my love Hammond, Clarkson and James May. Just stop it! But it's so typical of Americans, copying everything from the UK. First English, then Wipeout and now Top Gear...... Go grow some corn or whatever.

Anyway, I digress. So yea, I love cars and I decided to look for some of the most outrageous cars ever made. I knew I was gonna be in for a rude shock but nothing prepared me for some of the cars I saw. Woah. It's like people out there have really lost it. Anyway, here goes my top 10!

10. Bath Car
I dunno why this car caught my eye. I am not sure whether it was the prospect of driving it naked or the mere thought of passing it off as a convertible (it could work, yes? No? Oh, shut up!) But seriously though, this is an almost genius piece of machinery...... If you were insane.

9. Tubular Car
This is another weird one (I guess that is the whole point here, huh?) The main reason it caught my eye is I think it would be a fantastic asset on Kenyan roads. Think about it, you would never have to be caught in traffic or bullied around by other drivers because they are afraid to come near you and damage their cars with the tubes sticking out. SCORE!

8. Floppy-Disk Car
Yes, floppy disks. I know, you're thinking, "Who uses floppys anymore?" Well, I think that was the whole point (or at least it should be). Floppy disks are a lot like old boyfriends. We loved them at their prime but now we wish we could flatten them and make something more useful because they a re currently a nuisance (this applies to old girlfriends as well). Anywho, this outrageous car is ridding the world of floppy disks and in its own small way contributing to world peace or blah blah blah. Meh.

7. Double Car
Hahahahaha, okay, I'll admit that what really fascinated me about this car is those legs protruding from the top car. Are those guys upside down? Lol. (Yea, I laugh at stupid things. What you gonna do about it? :/) Apart from that, this is all pretty weird. How do the two cars even balance? But what made this car get this spot was the prospect of rolling like the Flintstones. Assuming the top car is open at the base, if we turn the cars around, then the people inside will have to use their legs to make it move, yes? Okay, I'll shut up now.

6. Ugly Monster Car
Well, the name says it all, lol. There is really nothing much I can say about this car except that whoever created it really, really, REALLY hated traffic. I mean, monster car behind you? Please, have the entire road, by all means.

5. Grass Car
I'll admit it, dammit. Yes, this car made it to this list simply because I think it is lovely. Yes, I honestly think it is beautiful. Just look at it. You could almost eat it :) That said, whoever thought of making a car out of grass needs a whole year's sessions from Dr Phil. Plus this might not be the safest car to take to the rural area (ocha) I'm sure you can all see why.

4. UFO Car
Yes, it gets more and more outrageous. Now we have a UFO car. As weird as that sounds, I'm just thinking that this would be a cool car to have. Look at it like this. At night, you get on the road, switch all you headlights off and turn on the lights inside the car. That is sure to FREAK people out. And since the wheels of the car are barely visible, hello floating contraption and conspiracy theories (okay, that's a bit sadistic but it's fun!)

3. Telephone Car
Two of the most used appliances/devices merged into one? Can I get a whoop whoop (I know no-one gave me one :/) But this car is interesting. Like, do the numbers work? Can I make a call while driving? If I hoot does it ring like a phone? Do I put airtime or fuel to make it run (okay, ignore the last one). But anyway, someone was mad enough to try it so there we go.

2. Lady Shoe Car
Weird or not, outrageous or not, this car is awesome. It has so much potential. It can be a slide, a car, an accessory etc. Plus, maybe it's just me but it looks quite comfortable (of course y'all know I'm speaking so highly because it's a shoe, right? :-D) One question though, does the heel break like for normal shoes and if yes, what happens?

1. Divorced Car
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Do I need to say anymore? This is simply creativity at its best. It wins, hands down.

As I sign out, booyah!

Bad Hair Day

Okay, as usual, I have to come up with a good explanation as to why I have not blogged in so long. I can go on and on about how busy I have been with school and work (yes, they called me back. Turns out I didn’t do such a crappy job after all *shrug*) but truth is I am just lazy. Don’t judge me, at least I am man (or woman) enough to admit it. But I also think my creativity levels are drastically going down. These days I take centuries to come up with an awesome update or tweet (that may explain the unfollows on Twitter). Anyway, let me not bore you with my sad life.

Moving on, I was asked quite a while back to write on the bad hairstyles Kenyan women subject their male counterparts to. Actually this draft has been on my laptop for sometime but I am just finishing it now (lazy, remember?) Ah, there I go digressing again. Anyway, he suggested I do this piece so here goes. You can follow him on Twitter @sickolia­_ Obnoxious but funny.

So now, I am not exactly sure how to categorise this (as I do everything else) so I will just start and hopefully things will fall into place :)

WEAVES
Now, I will start with what is possibly the most hated hairstyle amongst vile Kenyan men. WEAVES. These come in all shapes and sizes, colors and hues, length and breadth etc. Some women like them short (bobs) while some go for the whole diva look. Others prefer them in conservative colors like black while the brave ones go for red or God forbid, blonde. And I am not just talking about the dull blonde, no. these women go all out and put the screaming one. While the light-skinned ones may get away with it, the dark-skinned ones end up looking like Pam Anderson in her past life (I do believe this woman was black in another life).

 Now I know I might possibly be killed for this but heck, I will wing it (still cannot believe Neil Patrick Harris aka Barney Stinson is gay). So now, one of my very good friends has this ‘girlfriend’ (don’t ask). She is a very nice girl, to be fair but just recently she totally threw me off balance. Now, she is one of the conservative types when it comes to dressing, make-up etc. So you can imagine my shock when I saw her with purple-maroon-blonde road kill on her head.

I almost took to my heels thinking she had a skunk on her head. Anyway, that was just to demonstrate the lengths Kenyan women go to look…. Ummmm…... Different (only polite way to put it). Honey, just because it looks good on Rihanna don’t mean it’s gonna work on you.

Then there are those ones who try the whole Minaj/Barbie look. There is this one I saw (was sent for the photos) who has a pink weave. Pink. And no, she is not very light. I am sure most of you have seen it as it has been posted on various social sites (listen to me trying to sound all professional :-D). Iko Twitter! But that is nothing compared to those who are deluded enough to believe that multi-coloured ones look great. Why, oh why, would you want to put, not only yourself, but also everyone else through that? That should be a crime against humanity or something to that extent. Not unless you are Willy Wonka or Luna Lovegood, please, just don't (they are allowed).

Then there are those who like putting on heavy weaves. What I mean is those women who put on so much hair she probably lost a coin in there. Or a baby. Yes, some of them are that bad. My advice to them? It worked for Beyonce or maybe even Anna Nicole. In the 1700s.

Less is better, at least in this case (I shall not be blamed for any kind of debauchery). Then there is the crop that does not seem to know what suits them best. Case in point. You have a big forehead (guilty) yet you insist on putting on a weave that pulls all your hair behind. Really? Oh, and the worst are those that stay with a weave so long that when you finally go to the salon, the salonist is afraid of what might crawl out when it is undone. They keep it on for so long that it starts to smell (and if you look closely, most of them are single, just saying). Anyway, all that aside, I do not actually hate weaves. Hell, I put them also (though I still prefer my bob) But you gotta know where to draw the line. For example, I love Sheila Mwanyigha’s hair. It always looks so good.

BRAIDS

I know the weaves one was a bit long but that is because there is so much to say. Now the women who do braids are very interesting. Actually braids are nice because they save on time. You do not need to be in the salon every week as with people with natural hair. But this is where some women go wrong. They take the whole convenience thing to another level. They let their hair go and as a result it looks very shabby and uncivilized. Some can even be confused for dreadlocks. And before they realize it, the braids start falling off (along with their hair) and what results is an almost balding head with patches of hair here and there.

Then as usually there are those who like plaiting rainbows on their heads (did I miss this memo?) You will find someone with braids of all colours; pink, blue, green, white, red, yellow etc (okay, so maybe that is an exaggeration but trust me, they usually have at least three of those mentioned colours). Why not just put one colour? Maybe I am the conservative, old fashioned one here but still…..

Braids are actually not bad as long as they are well taken care of. Okay, I think those are the two main evils when it comes to Kenyan women and hair. The rest are lesser evils so I shall leave them for now.

 

That said and done, let us talk football for abit. Now I know most of you want my take on what is perhaps the biggest upset of the season so far (the Arsenal one barely counts, they are our whipping boys). Yes, the great and mighty MANCHESTER UNITED lost 6-1 to our noisy neighbours Man City (Six and the City). At home. Now many excuses have been given for this, playing with 10 men being the most repeated. But as much as we may all love to vilify Evans, I do not think he was our undoing on that fateful afternoon.

He is partially to blame but I think OVER-CONFIDENCE was the real culprit here. Yes, we were very over-confident. We knew City were good but we didn’t expect them to run riot like that. Do I think City are better than United? Yes….. For now. But we will be back. And that is a promise. In that game, they totally outclassed us so for now they are the better team. Do I still think United will win the title? Yes. Actually the result of that game is what made me so sure that we got this. There is no way Sir Alex will let his team suffer such a huge defeat in vain.

 All in all, I still have to make fun of Arsenal. 8-2? My favourite joke? Wenger’s wife wakes him up: ‘Honey wake up, it’s 9.’ Wenger: ‘Shit, they have scored another one?’ Then Chelsea go on and get hammered 5-3 by Arsenal (let me not even get started on that game). This will be a very interesting season. Let’s us watch. Game on.

As I sign out, booyah!

Of Manchester, poems and others

I am sorry……. For the long absence, that is. Of late I have found myself apologizing quite a lot. “I am sorry” has become the new ‘hello’ for me. I know it is all probably my fault but I chose not to accept blame so imma go with the notion that everyone else is the problem J Like a wise friend of mine (okay, maybe not-so-wise would be more appropriate) once said, “Yea, I could take responsibility for my actions. But I choose not to.” Okay, so that was just a by the way. Anyway, I don’t know why but everytime I blog after being away for so long, I always feel obliged to explain myself. The reason for the long absence has a bit to do with my birthday, being overtaken by events and the old classic writer’s block. I am pretty sure majority of my readers are intelligent (but then I could be wrong :o) so I will not delve in-depth on those reasons. I know, rather hope, you all know what I mean.

Anyway, that is not at all what this post is about. I just realized that I have not blogged about football since this season started. So I am going to do a review of the teams being considered as title challengers to the MIGHTY MAN UNITED. I will start with the ones I consider as posing the least challenge all the way down to our biggest worry this season. But before I do that, there is something very important I have to tell you. Now this may not be what most of you want to hear but it has to be said……. GLORY GLORY MANCHESTER UNITED :-D

6.  ARSENAL

Were it any other season, Arsenal would have been higher up but thanks to the sale of playmaker Cesc Fabregas (and boy isn’t he flourishing at Barca) and midfield mastermind Samir Nasri (would have loved to see him at United), they fall here. Nasri stressed that he was leaving because he did not feel like the club had enough ambition. This I agree with. Wenger has been vilified for being more of a business man than a football manager. And to some extent, this is not entirely baseless. He has such faith in his youngsters but they do not return the favour. However, I cannot lay all the blame on Wenger. I do not believe any manager can be that stingy. I also blame the board at Emirates. I am of the notion that they are the ones withholding the funds and letting Wenger take the fall. Anyway, that is a debate for another day. I, however, think their new signings Benayoun and Arteta will come in handy. For now, I do not see Arsenal finishing in the top 5. Their best finish will be either 5^th or 6^th, going by the display they have put in at the beginning of this season. If they prove me otherwise, then good for them. If not, I shall do what I do best, season in, season out. LMFAO. I am sure the following picture is a foreign sight for many Arsenal fans so stare all you want (yes, salivate if possible).

5. TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR

I know some people might argue Arsenal ought to be here but I do not. Maybe it’s the biased Spurs fan in me talking (they ARE my second favourite English team) but I honestly do not see how Arsenal, with their current form, can finish ahead of Spurs. They were lucky enough to hold on to Luka who proved why top teams like United were after him by scoring that stunner against Liverpool this past weekend. And when you have players the caliber of Bale and Defoe in your team, you can sleep a bit easier than most teams. Adebayor is also sending a strong message to critics. “Do not rule me out just yet.” Plus, as I always say, I believe Spurs have one of the best managers in modern football. One Harry Rednapp. He has instilled in his team that never-say-die attitude Fergie has cultivated at Old Trafford. It is not quite over till the last whistle is blown. Comeback is their middle name. They may not have the quality to see them qualify for the Champions League. Yet. However, Europe is still a viable option with the Europa League. I tip them for 5^th place. Go Yidds!

4. CHELSEA

Now this is one position which gave me a headache. However, I believe I made the best choice. You see, I have always viewed Chelsea as one of our strongest title contenders. They are the one team I believe we can never beat twice in a season. We equally share the spoils. That said and done, I still do not see them in the top three. This is because I see them as an ageing team. Most of their experienced/star players are beyond their peak. We are looking at Drogba, Lampard et al. They do have a strong team, I will not dispute, but I think with the current crop of young players coming up, they might find themselves in the shadows. Another thing about this team is that they always seem to run out of steam when it counts the most. Romeu and Lukaku are yet to prove themselves and as for 50 million quid striker Torres……… Well, let’s just wait and see. Chelsea for the final Champions League qualifying place.

3. LIVERPOOL

Now, these guys being our sworn enemies, makes all this the harder. Anyway, I see Liverpool actually doing well this season because, let’s face it, they have one heck of a squad. Suarez, Downing, Kuyt etc., these guys are actually good. Though I sometimes question the worth of Carroll. Really Kenny? Really? However, I do see them having one of their best seasons in quite some time. Ever since Dalglish took over mid last season, he has completely transformed the team from mediocrity to an above average side. They have had a good start to the season although that thrashing by Spurs leaves a lot to be desired. This leads me to reiterate what I have always said about the Reds. They are not consistent. They can go on a great run then all of a sudden, there is a serious dip in form and things fall apart. Literally. However, this season might prove to be a bit different. Though Dalglish’s team is still a not a finished product, they are playing more and more as a team and I do see them finishing in a respectable 3^rd place this season.

2. MANCHESTER CITY

As painful as this is to admit, I do consider our noisy neighbours as very serious title contenders and our biggest challenge in retaining the crown. Now before all yee Old Trafford faithful deride me, hear me out. Truth be told, even a blind person can see the quality in this team. They have fantastic individual talents ranging from the sensational Kun Aguero, to Edin, to the player I consider the best in that entire team, one David Silva. But in as much as they have all these great players, that will also be their undoing. That is the one reason they will not carry top honours in the league this season. They have so much individual brilliance but Mancini’s expensively assembled team is still a work in progress. Yes they have the quality to score goals but I am still a bit skeptical. I am yet to be convinced that they can play as a unit and in sync with each other. That is why they will score first and go ahead in a game only to lose (Community Shield) or draw (against Fulham). They do not have the frame of mind to hold it together and tend to crack under pressure. That said and done, I do believe the blue side of Manchester will push UNITED right down to the wire this season. I see them taking the other automatic Champions League qualifying spot. And yes, my despise for this team is so immense that my ego will not allow me to post a photo of them lifting a trophy like the rest so there you go :p

1. MANCHESTER UNITED

Yes, once again, I see the RED DEVILS taking top honours in England and landing what is only their 20^th title. Going by the sensational form United has started off the season with, I think most people will agree with me here. In just 5 games, the Devils have been able to put 26 goals past 5 different keepers. Not to mention Rooney being the first player to score 9 goals in the first five games of the season. Anyway, current form aside, we have a team and a half. It is a balance between experience and that youthful enthusiasm and energy Fergie is known for cultivating. From regulars Vidic, the evergreen Giggs and Nani to new signings Young, Jones and youngster Welbeck United have the secret winning formula. The Rooney-Chicharito partnership has provided so many goals and will continue to do so. Ferguson has been able to reel from last season’s Champions League final defeat to Barca and re-build an even stronger team which can pose a serious challenge to Barca. I maintain that man is a genius. With our current squad, I would say Man United is set for the next 5+ years. We already have our future in our hands and we should be fine even with Fergie’s imminent departure. And before I finish, I will continue to maintain that de Gea is a very good keeper. He just needs to be given time to adjust. The media is massacring him for no valid reason. He will become an OT great, just watch this space. So yes, the great MAN UNITED will carry the day once again and retain their EPL title.

So there you go folks. There is my two pence worth of how the 2011/2012 season will pan out. If you agree with me then you are very wise. If not, please go suck on a camel’s toe :/

Anyway, before I sign out, I would like to leave you with an excerpt from a poem I have been working on. It is not yet complete so I cannot post it but once I perfect it, I will put it up for you to feast your eyes upon (or completely bore you out of your mind). So here is a part of it. Enjoy (or not *shrug*)

“Then suddenly, just like that, numbness settles in. At first you are thankful because it leaves you devoid of all feeling. Good idea it seems. No possibility of getting hurt. No. You are fine. Then with time you realize that fear is what makes us human. Like I did. Once you lose the ability to fear, or be scared then you are living in utopia. It is all unreal. Happiness? Not quite. We may convince ourselves that we are, happy, that is, due to the numbness of emotions. But we are not. It is all an illusion. The fourth dimension. Surreal if you may. Then the curtains come closing down. Tear-filled, you realize that maybe not all is lost. Like defeated soldiers, you still try convince yourself, pray, that you will live to fight another day. It may all be a farce, we do not know. But then again, it may have a solid base. Solid, not really. But it is not completely baseless either. Then we continue hoping. Hope. Builder and destroyer of mankind. But even with these starry-eyed premonitions or rather optimisms, we still cannot shake off that nagging feeling. That one chill down the very heart of your spine. That if something is not done soon enough, it will be too late. A bit too late, in dramatic fashion. And then you, we, close our eyes. For just a mili-second. Envisioning all that we, I, you, have become so fond of. In such a fashion, as to visualize it.”

Oh, just incase you are wondering WTF, here is what I have to say........

As I sign out, booyah!